From Where I Sit

Graham (no real names or individual stories are used in this blog) had been profoundly affected since his partner of nine months suddenly announced that the relationship was over and he was leaving. It had been two months now, and it wasn’t just that Graham missed his partner, he was suffering from the other effects that people suffer when a partner suddenly ‘jumps ship’ and takes off.

Graham was struggling to understand why his partner had without discussion and without any prior warning signs, decided that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship and left. Above and beyond the pain of losing a relationship, it was the sudden and unexpected nature of the decision that was producing the lasting disquiet in Graham’s life.

After two months Graham was slowly coming to terms with the emotional turmoil caused by the end of the relationship but what he was really struggling with was caught up in the question of “why” his partner had suddenly “up and left”. Graham’s close friends and family confirmed that they were just as surprised and were having a hard time understanding his partner’s sudden decision, so it didn’t seem that Graham had missed any obvious signs. All accounts seemed to indicate that this was a rash, unexpected, hard to understand decision by his ex-partner which everyone seemed to consider out of character. The only explanation the partner gave was that they didn’t want to be there any more!

As a result of the way his partner had left, Graham had been left with a sense that he couldn’t trust anyone. The shock of the event was so great it had led him to generalise one person’s behaviour onto all people. He had also been left unsure about his own judgement. He was worried that he couldn’t trust himself to spot if someone close were about to betray him? As a result of being unsure whether people could be trusted or whether he could trust himself to spot an untrustworthy person, Graham felt the only way to ensure safety was to keep all people at arm’s length. He had ended up isolating himself from everyone because he felt he could no longer trust anyone and had lost his confidence to spot when someone might be about to hurt him.

This was an understandable response to what Graham had been through, but it wasn’t proving helpful for his life, and it was making it difficult to get back on track after the separation. The effects Graham suffered are common amongst people whose relationship ends suddenly and without warning. This is a common response when a partner ‘jumps ship’. The actions of the deserting partner cause the person left behind to think that they failed to see the signs, or that they must be a bad judge of character. Given they believe it is a fault within themselves they become paralysed to move forward lest that fault set them up for more trouble and anguish.

However, the sudden ‘jumping ship’ may say much more about the person who left (panic, fear of inadequacy, feeling smothered, commitment phobia), than it does about the partner left behind. When there are no warning signs, as in Graham’s case, there is often nothing that the person failed to see. In Graham’s situation it had nothing to do with his (Graham’s) ability to judge other people or who to trust. It was just a case of one person acting erratically.

If Graham was able to see that he did not miss anything, if he was able to understand that this hadn’t happened to him because of flawed judgement, then he would be able to trust himself around people again. When Graham was able to understand that his partner leaving was about his partner’s panic and that nobody could have predicted or seen it coming, then Graham had a chance to see that this was one unfortunate incident and had very little (or nothing) to do with his ability to judge other people and their trustworthiness.

Graham’s task was to understand that he hadn’t failed to see the warning signs because there was nothing to see or pick up on. No-one can see what isn’t there to be seen. Sometimes partners act in unpredictable and erratic ways. We can never protect ourselves against that, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong in our choice of who to be close to or who to trust.

As Graham shifted to see that it wasn’t his fault he “didn’t see it coming”, he was able to start blaming his partner for the quick departure rather than himself. He saw that he was OK, and his ex-partner clearly wasn’t. He regained his confidence in his ability to judge other people and moved to embrace the important people and relationships in his life once again.

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